The New Yorker
Lesser-Known KitchenAid Stand-Mixer Attachments (illustrated by Emily Flake)
Things I Worry my Therapist is Writing Down (co-written with Nate Odenkirk, illustrated by Olivia Pecini)
Cartoon, April 8th, 2024 Issue (illustrated by Ali Solomon)
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Famous Male Writers Text “U Up?”
Beauty Tips for Every Face Shape (illustrated by Ali Solomon)
A Reimagining of Your Uterus, Which I, Elon Musk, Now Own (co-written with Alexa Kocinski)
Boar’s Head Apple Pie Dessert Hummus
Ron DeSantis Answers Questions about Your Period (co-written with Kathryn Baecht)
Elon Musk Comes for the Sneetches (co-written with Kathryn Baecht)
Trader Joe’s Ketchup-Flavored Sprinkle Seasoning Blend
Trader Joe’s Tiny Fruity Cuties
Yep, This Supporting Character is Definitely About to Die (co-written with Colin Heasley)
An Open Letter to Jeremy Allen White Regarding His Recent Calvin Klein Ad (co-written with Emily Flake)
A Note to the Cleaning Staff From the Residents of Saltburn (co-written with Amanda Lehr)
Morningstar Farms Incogmeato Plant-Based Pancake & Sausage on a Stick
The Boston Globe
I Wanted an Abortion, but All I Got Was This Lousy Maternity Shirt (co-written with Kathryn Baecht and Elly Lonon)
A Comprehensive Guide to Your Internal Clocks (illustrated by Sólveig Eva Magnúsdóttir)
The Rumpus: Funny Women
Excerpts from George Eliot’s MiddleMuppet
Reductress
Former President Has Been Indicted More Times Than He’s Had Consensual Sex
Woman Wraps Self in Shiny Foil Blanket After Finishing Masturbation Marathon
Woman Nostalgically Caressing Warm Spot on Bed That Used to be Her Sleeping Body
How to Reverse Cowgirl, Skip his Turn, Then Finish him Off With a Wild Card-Draw 4 Combo
Move Over, Thinx: This Woman is Wearing Maroon-Colored Pants
Blow his Mind by Swallowing his Dick and Then Pulling a String of Infinite Dicks out of Your Mouth
Ambulance Chaser? Woman’s Reply to Viral Tweet Going Semi-Viral
Woman Takes Little Tour of Own Apartment While Brushing Teeth (Headline)
The Conversation Pit is Back! Here’s Why I Filled Mine With Rattlesnakes (Headline)
Why I Asked Him to Call Me ‘Cousin’ in Bed
SCOTUS Allows Praying for a Miscarriage From the 50-Yard Line
Handjob Techniques Inspired by Your Sixth Grade Devil Sticks Routine
Use Highlighter on Your Entire Face to Help People Remember the Whole Thing
How to Make Him Cum So Quickly the Victory Song From the NYT Mini-Crossword Plays
Suck it, Miss Trunchbull: This Woman Ate an Entire Chocolate Cake and Felt Amazing Afterwards
Make the Most of Your Therapy Session by Reading All Your Text Exchanges Out Loud
REPORT: All Haters Either Jealous of or Deeply Attracted to You (Headline)
QUIZ: Do You Actually Keep Seeing Your Ex Everywhere, or Was He Just Really Generic Looking? (Headline)
The Hard Times
Multiple People Reviewing Google Doc Closest Local Man Will Ever Come to Having Orgy
How to Maintain Your Mystery Even Though He Discovered the Secret Spot You Wipe Your Boogers
Defenestration
Cookie Monster Guest Edits the New York Times’ “What to Cook This Week” Newsletter
I am Jeff Lynne’s Friend Bruce and I Did Not Bring Him Down
Haunted House of Whole Foods (illustrated by Ali Solomon)
The Museum of Americana: A Literary Review
The Fall of the House of Usher, Usher, Usher
251
If Your Talkspace Therapist Were a Fuckboi
Musicals From My Youth, Updated For My 30s
Little Old Lady Comedy
13 Reasons I Got Back Together With My Ex During the Pandemic
*Listen to me read this piece on an episode of the Micro short fiction podcast!